what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
two words: eviction party
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
