Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
