I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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