there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
