I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
