69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
