Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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