Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize