So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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