My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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