I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm always down for nudity.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
