i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
