What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
