Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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