just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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