now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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