dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
