Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Your cock deserves a montage
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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