she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
