Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
