I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
