Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
zippers are such a cool invention
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
