Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
