There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
