I met the friendliest cop last night
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
