24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
