So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
