thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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