as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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