it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
