I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
