Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
