How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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