Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
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