did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
