Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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