Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
