Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
