While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
