if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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