i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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