im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
