I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
