Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
