i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
