After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
