How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
