my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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