My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So many bounce houses so little time
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
