The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
