My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
