1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
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