I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
