Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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