I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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