She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
