Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
