I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
