Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so let's talk penis.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
